Babies Everywhere
by Laughingly The Lark
Summary: The celebrity baby craze driving you nuts? Well that's mild compared to Lois' issues with it.


Author's Note: I got bitten by a Lois Lane Character bunny, and at the same time this extreme American obsession with celebrity babies was really picking up speed, so the result was this very rabid plot bunny…I hope it doesn't frighten you…

Although that might be fun too... No, Bad Lark! Bad! …no room for villain complexes in my fic schedule, right now. Too busy! I'm late, I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date! Yes, I'm a little nuts…I'm told it makes my fics entertaining… I'm not sure how true that is…but hey at least they weren't saying "Lark, you're such a complete freak, you write the weirdest stuff." So, I'll take what I can get, and enjoy being a little nuts, everyone should you know.

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**Babies Everywhere**

Of all the wacky places and unusual experiences that Lois Lane had ever been through in her life, it was the ultimate irony that when she finally broke down and had a mental break down, it was in-line at the grocery store, and all because of a baby. It wasn't as if there hadn't been warning signs, in fact Lois herself could have told you that morning that babies were driving her nuts. However, it is doubtful if you would have believed her because there are a number of things that anyone that knows Lois well could tell you drive Lois nuts. Stupid women drove Lois nuts, bad guys that thought she was helpless drove Lois nuts, chauvinistic men drove Lois nuts, having a super-powered dog around the apartment drove Lois nuts, the rumors about Superman and Wonder Woman drove Lois nuts, not finishing a story drove Lois nuts, and sometimes even Clark Kent drove Lois nuts. But on that particular day babies, the discussion of babies, and the mere existence of babies was driving Lois Lane nuts.

It had all begun earlier in the week when Jimmy's discussion of "Celebrity Babes" with Paul James had turned into a Daily Planet newsroom-wide discussion of the beautiful women's children rather than themselves. Lois had made a perfectly normal comment about focusing on real news not the gossip page, and several of the women involved in the discussion had completely turned on her, ridiculing her on her lack of maternal instincts.

"What do you have against babies?" asked a horrified young intern.

"Nothing. I have something against the discussion of movie stars in general whether you're discussing their underwear **OR **their offspring, it's not a newsworthy topic or even an interesting one."

"Not everyone hates kids, you know, Lois." A snide blonde from marketing, whose only really reason to be in the newsroom was to flirt with single (or not) men, said.

"I don't hate kids; I just think there are more appropriate topics than 'blonde bimbos and their babies' for the number one newspaper in Metropolis to be discussing."

"It's just hard to believe you don't want kids sometimes, Lois." said Lindsey Brewer from entertainment, trying to calm things down before Lois got really mad. "Especially since your husband personifies the quiet, family guy personality with those glasses and his quaint politeness."

"I keep forgetting Lois is married, much less to a geeky country boy like Kent" commented Hank Elbridge from sports. "But, it's obvious who the boss is. I'll bet he didn't even argue with her over it, just said yes Ma'am like usual."

About half of the group gathered around the argument disappeared within seconds of this comment to avoid the out lash they knew was coming next. Of the rest, all but a couple backed up, when they saw the look on Lois' face. This was the look that caused shivers down any criminal's back, bystanders to cower, Superman to wish he was halfway around the world, and actually intimidated Batman, when given the full brunt of it. Jimmy swallowed sympathetically, Hank Elbridge might not realize it yet but he was so dead right now.

"My relationship with Clark is none of your business, or anyone else's, and if I ever, EVER, hear you talking about my husband or me like that again, I will make you will wish you had never been born. Is that clear? And whether Clark and I want children or not, is absolutely no one's business but ours, so I suggest all of you shut up now before you say something you regret!"

While he'd gone into this thinking Lois was all talk and no bite, the icy venom of her voice chilled her victim to his bones. Melissa Garret from marketing was still spoiling for a fight, however. The entire Daily Planet revolved around _the perfect Lois Lane,_ merely because of her association with Superman gave her a few good leads on breaking stories, and Mel was sick of it.

"So is Hank right? Is your husband that much of a feeble excuse for a male, that he can't even get you pregnant? Or is he just unable to perform with such an unexciting partner?

"Not every man gets excited by fake breasts and no brain, Melanie. But then you'd know that, seeing as my husband is one of the several men in this paper who've turned you down with out right disgust in their eyes."

"I'll bet the real reason you don't have kids is because you can't, because you don't have enough femininity to even create one! Isn't that it Lois? You don't even have the ounce of estrogen needed to conceive. The great Lois Lane can't even do something a retarded teenager can do!"

Which was when Lois lost her temper; deciding to go the simple route, and just hauled back and punched the vile woman, prompting cheers from most of the bullpit, until Lois gave them all a glare that put Medusa to shame and put the Daily Planet staff back to work.

If it had just been that one confrontation, Lois would have just shrugged it off as a normal, if a little nastier than usual, fight with idiots and forgotten all about babies. Unfortunately it was not to be. For the next three days, everywhere Lois looked: babies. Two women talking in the bathroom? "How to get a six-month-old to sleep through the night" Neighbors being noisy? A baby crying of course. Lucy calling to vent? All about Ron and the baby. Having dinner with an old college friend? Obviously the topic at hand was parenting and how in the world the driven career woman Hannah, ended up with three kids. Even the perfectly thrilling investigation into organized crime ended up being an exposé on how the local crime lords were murdering immigrant women to sell infants up for adoption by desperate couples. The news, the perfectly reputable evening news, reported on the birth of Angelina Jolie's daughter right after a piece on Superman's rescue of injured Asian workers. It was enough to drive one mad.

Yet with all the frustrations of three days of nothing but babies invading every area of Lois' life, it wasn't until she went to the grocery store that Friday afternoon that everything fell apart. Clark had been working all week either as Clark Kent, foreign correspondent or as Superman, and the cupboards were bare at 1936 Sullivan Lane, causing Lois to finally give in and take the scary step of actually purchasing food herself. The trip did not begin well. Lois was tired and sweaty from a hard days work, they were out of her favorite chocolate bar, and it took over ten minutes to find the rice mix Clark had managed to teach her how to make without burning it. Then there was the line.

Now most people know that Friday after work is not the best time to go shopping if you want to avoid a crowd, but Lois was, as many know, not the most domestic woman in the world. There were five people in line in front of Lois, and Lois, not being the most patient person in the world, began thinking through the things she needed to do in the next few days.

'_Find a new scoop; go to lunch with my mother Monday, ugh! Buy a new nightgown…hmm, maybe I can get Clark to do that, pretend it's a romantic gesture. Threaten Perry and Batman that I'd better see more of my husband soon or else...Look at that magazine! I can't believe the Tattler still writes that sort of thing about Superman. Ugh, I wish I'd never looked, the magazines are all full of more baby junk!_'

And they were, nearly every magazine had a celebrity baby on the cover somewhere. Lois was ready to pull out her hair.

"This is just ridiculous." muttered the balding man behind Lois, stomping off to try to find a shorter lane.

Lois was still so busy glaring at the magazines and muttering about 'unprintable trash', that she didn't notice the group of shoppers pulling in behind at first, quite a feat considering it consisted of a tired-looking young mother, an infant in a car seat, and three older children under the age of six. The oldest two were in a loud argument about what candy they wanted, while the smaller one in the cart was whining about wanting out. It was about the time the baby woke up and started crying that Lois took notice.

As Lois groaned at yet again another baby, the mother tried to simultaneously quiet the whining toddler and break up the other children, while she picked up the crying infant. Becoming increasingly frustrated, the mother's voice started to rise in volume and sharpen in tone, which although quieting the toddler in the cart and the oldest child, only increased the middle one's temper tantrum.

"I want the candy bar! You're mean!" and with that the small boy stomped off away from his mother.

"Jack! Jack, come back here **right now**!"

Torn between the three children in front of her and the one wondering off into the store, the mother stood frozen for a moment, obviously realizing there was no way she could catch the young boy while tooting the cart.

"Could you possibly hold him for a minute?"

As much as Lois had promised herself she'd shut up the next person that even tried to talk to her about babies she didn't quite have the resolve to say no to the poor frazzled mother. So she suddenly found herself with arms full of four-month-old baby, as the mother sternly instructed the other two children to "Stay right there and don't move" before she sprinted off after the preschooler.

Lois stared down at the little boy in her arms. Dark brown eyes stared back up at her in confusion. The baby began to whimper in protest at being in the arms of a stranger. Why did this sort of thing happen to her? Why couldn't it happen to Clark, he was a natural with babies, had even delivered a few as Superman.

"You're supposed to rock him back and forth."

"What?" Lois stared at the little girl standing next to the cart. Perhaps five or so, she had the obvious air of "the oldest".

"He likes to be rocked. It makes him be quiet."

"Oh, thanks" Lois tried it and marveled at the way he nuzzled into her arms contentedly.

"You don't have kids, do you?"

"No, why?" Lois pulled the children's cart forward and pushed her own basket with her foot as the line moved up.

"It's kinda obvious."

"Do you not want them or can't have them?"

"Isn't that a little personal to be asking a stranger?"

The girl shrugged.

"My husband and I can't have kids."

"Wow, that's sad."

"Not really, we have a good life without them. I'm not even sure I want kids!"

"Why not?"

"I like my job too much, and it's kind of dangerous."

"Does your husband want kids?"

Lois looked up at her from staring in fascination as the baby grasped her finger in his fist.

"Yeah. He'd be a wonderful dad, but we still can't anyway."

"Can't you adopt kids? My friend Jessie is adopted."

"Mackenzie Rose! What have I told you about bugging people with too many questions?" the girl's mother had one hand firmly grasping the young boy's and the other on her hip in an authoritative pose.

"We were just talking about kids!"

"Well, it's none of your business. Unless people bring up their personal live you don't ask them questions about it, understood?"

"Yes, Mommy."

The young woman lifted her son into the cart with his little sister before turning to Lois.

"Thank you so much for watching them for me."

"Oh, no problem."

Lois reluctantly handed over the baby, who had now glued himself firmly to Lois. His arms reached for her, complaining noisily at being separated from his new friend.

"He sure took a shine to you." the young mother commented.

"I can't imagine why, most kids don't like me very much."

"That's hard to believe." she smiled gently at Lois.

Lois had never felt so embarrassed in her life, and that included the moment when she realized all the stupid things she'd said to Clark about Superman and visa versa. This woman obviously had the wrong idea about her; she was Mad Dog Lane, not Maternal Woman! I mean what do you say to that, anyway?

"My husband and I aren't having children."

"That's too bad. You're pretty good with him for a beginner. But I suppose the chaos of raising children's not for everyone... Half the good parent's don't think they can do it till they try and the bad parents are sure they can until they do try. It all comes down to knowing yourself and how much you want it, I think. If you're not full of longing and terror, _something's_ not right."

And this was when Lois began to realize she was having a mental breakdown. Her breathing was becoming fast and strained, and her heart was pounding too fast, and she was starting to feel like laughing hysterically at all the Horrible, Horrible, Baby Stuff that kept happening to her. She let out a brief laugh as she got up to the checkout, and was holding her sides by the time she got out of the store and to her jeep. It was all just too overwhelming…Babies, babies, babies everywhere! They were everywhere!

Lois Lane rested her head on the steering wheel.

"Get a grip on yourself, Lois! It's just a baby. A baabey…"

Which was when the tears began to leak down her cheeks… and they continued through the entire drive home, since Lois was not one to let a little emotional breakdown get in the way of what she needed to get done.

By the time Lois had parked jeep and made her way up to the apartment, the crying had developed into noisy hiccups. She stumbled into the kitchen and began putting the food away, slamming the fridge and cupboard doors.

The necessities completed, Lois walked into her bedroom and flopped onto the bed. She stared listlessly at the ceiling until a picture on the dresser caught her eye.

The picture was Lois and Clark on the farm: she was laughing at something he said and Clark was staring into her eyes with a look of pure adoration. It made Lois' heart hurt just to look at it. Restless, Lois got up and looked at the other pictures. Sitting next to it were several other pictures of them as well as some of family and friends. Lois picked up one of Clark and Conner. As much as she had a hard time dealing with the young teenage clone, there was no denying the bond Clark had with him.

"It's just not fair! Clark would make such a great dad!"

Lois threw the picture against the wall, all out sobbing now. And just as her crying started to get out of control and slightly hysterical, the whooshing sound of Superman entering the apartment reached her ears.

"Hey Honey, I'm home!" the familiar and overly cheerful voice cried, as Lois tried unsuccessfully to wipe her eyes and stop crying.

"Lois?"

Obviously at this point the confused Clark, who expected to find his wife home, and happy to see him after being away from her most of the week, opened all of his senses discovered between superhearing and x-ray vision, that Lois was extremely upset and crying in their bedroom. In a true test of superspeed, Lois found herself face to face with Superman less than a second after her husband's realization.

"Lois Honey? What's the matter? Did something happen today?"

"Not really, I just…" Lois gave up trying to verbalize the problem and started crying again.

"Hey, hey, it's okay, Honey." Clark pulled her into spandex covered arms and stroked her hair. "Tell me what the problem is and we'll fix it okay?"

Lois just sobbed uncontrollably into his chest.

"Will some Italian chocolate ice cream help? We could fly over and pick some up. Now who else do you know whose husbands will fly them to Italy just for ice cream, huh? Just think what I'd do to help you fix a bigger problem."

She smiled weakly at his joke, eyes still full of water.

"It was just horrible, all week! Nothing but babies! I just couldn't stand it anymore!"

"Babies? We are talking about the small wiggly things that turn into people, right?"

"Yes. They're awful. I can't stand them!"

"Now Lois, I know you don't mean that. You like kids, even if you don't like being around them all the time. So what's really going on, huh?"

"No I don't. I've never really been into kids. They're always messy and yelling and you can't have a decent conversation with them. I've never wanted kids!"

"Okaaay…" Clark waited for Lois' mouth to take over again so that he could possibly get an explanation for where this was coming from.

"I didn't want kids, but then you did….and then we found out we can't even have them even if we wanted to, because of your Kryptonian DNA, all just as I was starting to think I might not mind kids that took after you…and then we just tried to forget about it and enjoy life…And now everywhere I look there's people taunting me about babies and even celebrities that have no business reproducing for the good of humanity, are procreating up a storm and everyone's looking at me and going 'what's wrong with you?' I just can't stand it anymore!"

"Breath, Sweetheart, breath."

Lois took great gasping breaths before continuing.

"I'm just, I'm just a mess. I'd be a horrible mother anyway…I'm too brash and I have a dangerous job, and I'm not sweet and calm and motherly. It's like the whole world is punishing me for being the kind of person that didn't like kids. Who can't stand kids? It's like its all being thrown in my face now… 'Don't you wish you'd been like us Lois? Now you can't have a baby and we can!' I know I'm not being rational about this… It's just it hurts so much! And you deserve better than this. You deserve to have kids, to have a wife that would be the perfect mother. Not the bossy, argumentative, masculine, Lois Lane!"

Red-faced and ashamed, she turned her head away from him.

"Oh, Honey! There's nothing in the world I'd love to do more than to have children with you, but it's not your fault we're genetically incompatible! You don't deserve to be stuck in this situation anymore than I do. Just because the guy you happened to fall in love with just happens to be an alien, doesn't mean you're horribly suited to be a mother, or being punished for not wanting kids a long time ago, it just means you got more than your fair share of rotten luck out of this whole marriage thing…"

If Clark had been a normal man, the smack to the back of his head would have had him seeing stars, as it was, he caught her intention just in time and gave way enough that her hand wasn't broken from the blow, and he was then staring dumbfounded at his wife, trying to understand why she would want to hit him when he was reassuring her.

"Don't say that! Don't you dare imply that about yourself Clark Joseph Kent! I got the best deal on husbands that any women ever got, and I've got nearly half the population of this planet that would agree with me, especially if they knew you like I do." Her voice softened as she continued.

"I…I wouldn't even want kids if it weren't for you. If I didn't love you so much I wouldn't want to have kids with you. I _know_ I wouldn't want them if I were married to anyone else."

He grabbed her chin between his hands, forcing her to look into his eyes.

"And there's no one in this entire galaxy, I want to have my children with but you, Lois Joanne Lane. I don't deserve to have children, Lois. I deserve to be as happy as possible, and if I had all the children in the world but no you, I'd never be as happy as I am now. And as for the dangerous job thing, any danger to our baby from being Lois Lane's child or of losing you because you get killed is half of what it is because of Superman; the people around me are in a lot more danger than anyone would be from you…" he paused.

"Maybe someday we'll be able to adopt or figure someway around this whole DNA problem, and if that happens I know we'll be the happiest parents in the entire world. But you know, we're pretty darn happy as it is, and we can't let our longing for a baby cloud what we have now, we're complete, Lois, soulmates. It's an experience almost no one gets to have in life. You and I are going to be in love for our entire lives and more, and that's pretty special, just like you are."

He kissed her forehead gently before continuing.

"And if we ever do have children to raise together, I know you'll be a great mother: protective and tough, but caring and thorough at the same time. You'd be involved in their education and ensure that they can see the world from different points of view, and hold them when they're upset, and take out _anyone _who threatened them. That's the woman I see as the mother of my children. It's that part of you: that fierce, loyal, caring woman that I fell in love with."

"Oh, Clark. That's the sweetest, most loving thing anyone has ever said to me."

"That's me, Superhusband to the rescue!"

"Oh, just shut up and kiss me, Fly Boy!"

And that my friends, was how Lois Lane admitted to herself what she'd been denying for so long, that Lois Lane wanted, and wanted badly, to have a baby with Clark Kent.

**End**


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